Beautiful Catastrophe...

Why am I here? What am I doing? Am I happy? Where to go? What I need? What I want?

I have a lot of questions in my mind and I don't know where to get the answer. I don't know why the heck on earth that I love to worry about everything. Why I have to stress myself out over things that are not worthy? Why I have to complicate my life when I can make it happily simple? Why is it hard for me to speak of what I really feel inside and just bursting it out here? Why? 

Ever since, I've been looking for something that I really want and love to do. Something that will satisfy me, physically, emotionally, mentally and of course spiritually. I believe I found it but I don't know how to keep it well and so I tend to loose them.

I've been wanting to have a best friend like Cardcaptor Sakura had, Tomoyo. Actually I didn't have only one, I had three. Sheena, Jovy and Sherine. I wanted to have a job that I will love and enjoy like Detective Conan, I've been an HR Generalist. I wanted to provide my family all they want everytime they'll ask me, I am able now. But I am not satisfied maybe that's why I cannot fully show how important those people and things with me. And worst, I am not keeping them well.

I guess I should be very very happy and contented because what I asked for were given to me. All the things I want to have, I'm getting. But now, because of over thinking things, I guess I already have the answer with my WHY but still I know more questions about this will follow. Why am I not happy, why am I not satisfied and why am I like this. Because of one thing that until now I can't have and I don't know when will I have or if I will be having. A family.

I have my uncles, aunties, cousins and other relatives with me whom I know really love me. But I guess it's too foul and offending on their part if I said, I AM NOT HAPPY AND CONTENTED with them. But this is what I really feel. Look, I am an only child and I don't have parents because they already passed away when I was a kid. With my dad, I wasn't able to meet him. I just saw his face on the photos shown to me by my grandparents. I was able to be with my Mom for a very short period of time when she got back from Taiwan because she was sick. I was so little back then that I didn't have a chance to take care of her or even show her how much she means to me. Ever since the world begun, I was alone. I was lonely and I don't have a family. 

Family. That's all I want. A family that I can call MINE. A family that is really mine. Because that's all that I don't have and for sure no one will be able to understand that. I've wanted to have a family picture that I'll submit to school assignment and will show to my classmates, "hey, this is my mom! This is my dad! These are my siblings." I've wanted to attend a Family Day in school and have a production number with them. I've wanted to join all school's activities and my family will be there supporting me. I wanted to graduate with honors and my parents are shedding tears of joy because they are proud of me. But I will never ever have it anymore. But surely I can make my own. A family that I can call MINE. But when? With whom? I don't know yet. 

I guess, this is really my life. Full of unanswered questions. Full of waits. Full of incompleteness. A life that is a complete but beautiful catastrophe.