As always...

It has been a long time since I last blogged. I was so busy for the past months that I can't even find time for my social activities like what I was doing before.


I am disappointed, as always. I am again and again, disappointed of myself. Seriously, I wanna die. I want everything in my life to just END. I've always been like this. If I'm not disappointing myself, I am disappointing the people around me. Especially my family.


Last father's day, I greeted the most important fathers in my life first. Ninong, Daddy Danny and Tito Roland. I greeted them through Facebook because they are all in abroad. My bad that I didn't exerted much effort to really greet them even through phone calls or emails or whatever. I just greeted them through Facebook. People might ask, where's the sincerity? Where's the effort? Honestly, I don't know. All I know is that, in my heart, even if I don't greet them, I love them. Yes it's a big deal to my family, especially that kind of event. I know it from the very start of my life but again, I failed to do my part.


But I feel tired. Since Mom died, I've been  living my life not for myself. I feel like I will live my whole life proving myself to them (my family). Sometimes, I really can't do what they want me to do. Sometimes, they want things for me that I don't like or I am not happy with. Sometimes, I'm tired of listening to them because all I do is disappoint them and to make them feel bad of me.As always, I'm so useless. I'm such a disappointment. I'm so stupid. Since Mom died, I've been tired my whole life. I want to surrender. I want to cry. I want to leave. I want to be gone. :(


I hate seeing my family sad, seriously. I hate them seeing so mad and disappointed because of me. I hate myself for always being like this. But still, I can't do anything to change. I don't know why and I don't know how. I just feel sorry for myself because this is me, as always.