I'm such a mess...

What did I do right? What else did I do right especially for my family? I’m such a mess and a big jinx. Why am I still alive? I did nothing but to complicate the life of the people I love. I’m not worthy of anything, I guess. I am such a mistake, huge mistake.

I never wanted anything but a happy and complete family. But that’s the only thing I want, that I think I won’t have for the rest of my life. Then what am I for still living here in this world? Maybe Father above is just waiting for me to say YES to him and I’m ready to go, but am I also worthy for the place above? I doubt.

I don’t know if I make sense with my reasons for doing things in my life. My decisions, my wants, my actions, my words, everything, I guess they were all nonsense. I reached this point of my life having thoughts of what I want and what I want to do, but I guess the real thing is, I don’t know what is the purpose of my living. To give chaos to my family, friends and everyone? Maybe.

Why did I come up thinking that I’m a mess? Because I and my aunt have misunderstanding because I have a boyfriend and she’s not approved of our relationship. But what can I do? I love this guy and I cannot just push him away from me just because my aunt doesn’t like him. In my entire life, especially my school life, I let her control almost all of my decisions and my actions which I regretted now. I only live once and because I let her do that to me, I wasn’t able to enjoy what I had to with those stages of my life. But even if the set up was like that, she still gets mad at me even for a very little reason. I don’t know why, but there had been a feeling over me that I’m being worthless and that I did nothing but to disappoint her. Seriously, I cannot understand. Some people around me kept on complimenting me that I’m smart, I’m doing good with what I do, I’m a complete package, but why is that on her I never felt or heard those compliments. What she kept on telling me is that I’m useless, I’m idiot, I did nothing right, I’m brainless. Then she will tell me that she’s just telling it to me for me to be more encouraged, for me to aspire more, it helped a little but not with my self-esteem, with my emotions and especially on how I view myself.

I needed to release this here but I know in the future, this wouldn’t be enough. I’ve been keeping this pain for such a long time and even if I’m telling this to my best friend, I don’t know why I can’t move on. The hurt still remains.

As mentioned, she’s still mad at me and I know for what I did it got even bigger. I have a cousin, he’s 18 and we’re real close. He’s open to me that every time my aunt gets mad at him, he feels like he did nothing right as well. I know the feeling and since he’s guy, it’s a lot heavier feeling because of his ego. One day he lost his USB and my aunt got angry. He opened it up to me again and I was shocked with the photo he sent to me. It was a hard wooden chair and he intentionally hardly bumped his head on the chair. That scenario, I cannot take. I also know the feeling. I know already that he’s getting into the point of almost wanting to end his life because I did the same. I thought of ending my life because I’m tired and I don’t want him to feel the same pain I felt and still feeling right now.

What I did was I told my uncle everything. He is my cousin’s father and I know he has the right to know. He is the father and for whatever might happen, he has all the right to know. I just told what my cousin told me and I know as a father, he was sad and hurt because of what is happening over his child and his sister (my aunt). Uncle called his other sister and he was mad. Of course, even if it was me, I’ll get mad. But they cannot understand my point that I didn’t speak up for my uncle to get mad at my aunt or to make things worse, I did what I know is right. I was just worried with my cousin because I know he’s still can’t handle his emotions well and that he’s not thinking straight for hurting himself like that. Men are a lot more emotional than women and surely, I know what was I’m doing. I didn’t broke the secret to put my aunt on the hot seat but to make things okay. But again, what they made me feel was, I did wrong.

I’m such an unworthy kiddo and so why I’m still here? I hate being pitied but my situation is the other way around. Fuck my life. I hate myself. Screw me! When will I do the right things? When will I make good decisions? All I want is for me to give happiness to the people I love but what happening is the opposite of it.

How to clear a mess like me?